Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
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I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
your honor my client chooses dare
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?