In Russia, Pokemon find you.
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ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
million dollar idea: worm dehorser