“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
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[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”