It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
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[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope