Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
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My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
nyc:
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Looking at you, Jesus.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying