I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
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Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Oh, I bet you would be
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.