Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
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Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15