I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
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It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!