first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
You Might Also Like
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker