Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
You Might Also Like
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I just tested negative for patience.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
tell em, edith-anne
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks