inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
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[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Does it…does it take 3 days
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal