Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
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Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Help Wanted
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.