me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
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When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Good boy 😂😂
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan