Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
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Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
My ideal weight is five million dollars
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
$4 #usedbooks
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish