If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
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Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
The opposite of goth is stopth.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
I didn’t come here to be called names
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.