My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
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No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
you have three unread messages
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.