Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
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“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Bro what is this
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”