Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
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Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ