I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
You Might Also Like
waiting for halloween be like:
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I’m not average. I’m mean.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.