All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
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“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.