I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
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I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅