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He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Krampus.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe