Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
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Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
This is always good for a laugh.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.