Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
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In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”