Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
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Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
I would move hell over six inches for you
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.