I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
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Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.