*shrugs*
*swipes right*
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HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.