If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
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Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
A short story of betrayal:
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?