I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
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My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.