I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
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do horses think humans are hats
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Sheep
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
…u ok Nintendo?
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.