If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
You Might Also Like
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min