I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
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Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Catercrombie & Fish
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”