Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
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The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
new wife guy just dropped
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.