My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
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The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
I hope it’s French Onion!
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children