“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
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Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right