Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
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Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.