*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
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what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
PLOT TWIST:
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.