“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
You Might Also Like
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
being a writer on Twitter:
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
How do you like your Corgi?
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*