I feel it
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There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots