What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
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Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Don’t tell me what to do
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should