Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
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Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.