I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
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Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”