According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
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My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Skills
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot