“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
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The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Ha
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
our love story in four pictures
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.