One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
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my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
A short story about romance.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.