Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
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[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Said the murderer.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Lol.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.