I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
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OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
They’re on their honeymoon
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Canadian owl: Eh?
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.