Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
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[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.