I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
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Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
spicy snake
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.