Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
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70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
🙀🙀🙀😹
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
why I oughta
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.